4th Apr 2008
I brought my son home and things were as they always are for new parents, a little tough. It was about 3 months later that I looked in the mirror and realized that I was pregnant again. No kidding, I just looked at myself one morning and knew I was pregnant. I went to see the Doctor and he had to give me a blood test to be sure (this was of course before the invent of the home tests that are so actuate.
So I had a 3 month old and I was pregnant again. My husband’s reaction was “OH”. That was all he said. My beautiful girl was born 2/8/82 in the very early morning hours. She was and to this day still is my heart. Her Father and her never seemed to get along. There was always a problem between him and her. Actually any time I needed to do, or buy something for the kids - it was like pulled teeth. It was awful. And to make matters worse, he blamed me for having to work. Because I got pregnant. To say the least things in our marriage were not good. I decided then I was carrying my daughter that I was not have any more kids - I got my tubes tied early in the summer of 1983. One of the best choices in my life. Being the oldest of 8 kids, I knew I would be a better Mother if I only had two.
It was much later, Thanksgiving of 1995 that I found out that he never wanted kids and did not want the ones we already had. Well that was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. I was done with him and the relationship. However due to finances, I was not able to leave until May of 1997. We lived pretty much as separate entities. And there were other men in my life. (not a good choice and one that I will not repeat) We were finally divorced in Sept of 1998. Another one of my better choices.
I got remarried in May of 2001. So now I have two of my own kids, 2 step-sons, 2 in-law children and 4 grandchildren and 2 more babies on the way this summer. Now who would have thought that my two kids would have multiplied into the family I have now. But I love every minute and they are one of the reasons why I need to get healthy!
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4th Apr 2008
I just want to say that by writing here in this forum, I do not mean to hurt anyone’s feelings. The writings here are purely my interpretations of what has already happened. I do not believe that there was any malice or evil intent in anyone actions. But we all are the sum of our experiences.
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4th Apr 2008
I left home after an argument with my Dad. It was a silly thing, but I still remember it all. We were building a garden, and the pitch fork got bent. As I said it was silly. I was always told that if I did not like things there or was not happy, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Well I was head strong and dumb, so I packed and left (actually took my things out a little at a time so my parents did not know) Did I mention that I was DUMB ?? Went to school one morning and did not return.
I moved in with my boyfriend, 17 and quit school and working a dead end job pumping gas in a very seedy part of town. Did I tell I was DUMB? This was not one of my better choices. But to regret this choice would be to regret everything that happened after this. And I can not do that as you will see.
My parents found out where I was but I did not have contact with them for about 2.5 years. When I think about that now - I am shocked at the length of time. I was mini Mom to my boyfriend’s sister & brother, while his mother was out drinking and tramping around. His father worked out of town and did not really know about everything that happened there while he was gone. If he did, he chose to “not see” it. He was a nice man and always kind to me.
Now if I thought my life sucked before, I was about to see that things could and would be far worse. This boyfriend, Art turned out to be brutal, mean and just plain not nice. It was about 4 months later and I knew I had made a huge mistake. But I knew I could not go home (I KNEW, but I never asked - nor did I ever talk to my parents about the situation). Silly girl! I tried to leave, I was going to go to my grandmother’s in Syracuse. I left, walked out… he ran after me down the street crying and begged me not to go. He was sorry, it would never happen again. And of course I believed him, don’t we all want to believe “them”. Well he was good for a while and then slowly became more controlling. And I accepted it. He wasn’t handy (yet) but he was mentally abusive. Then he wanted to get married, I told him I did not love him - He said “you will learn to love me”. Well let’s just say - UM - NO. Well that’s not entirely true. I did love him in a fashion, like a little brother. During these times my weigh was pretty level. I worked 12 -16 hour days for cash (paid every night) and we bought food on the way home every night. We really were raising the other kids. His mother seriously drank the money up. We also walked everywhere, since we did not have a car, nor a DL.
Well then I got pregnant. He was thrilled, I was scared. So of course I decided to get married, isn’t that what I had to do, after all. The weight started to come on. I wasn’t too worried, you know eating for two. 
We got married 8/23/1980, my son was born 2/19/81 on a dark and raining morning. He was beautiful!
I never lost the baby weight, actually I still have it here somewhere. Yeah, that’s it on my butt. 
later -
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4th Apr 2008
** It has been suggested that I journal as a way to let the emotions out instead of stuffing them. I have some trust issues with that process as my privacy was violated in the past. That being said, the anonymity of this forum gives me some measure of comfort. I know in my heart that the things that were done to hurt me were done mainly out of ignorance ** Since this is a journal, I do not expect comments - but I am not opposed to them either. **
I say Bethi’s story, because that is the child at the heart of me. And she is the child who continues to search for acceptance and love. I have read many threads from the wonderful people here and the echos are similar. Some have had bumpy childhoods, others had very damaging ones.
Me, mine was bumpy and misunderstood. My parents made many of the classic mistakes that people make with first born children. As a young child I was force feed mixed vegetables, Veg-All canned mixed vegetables. That’s something you can not forget. As a preteen and young teen, I was placed on a parent driven diet and weigh-in process. It’s then that I learned how to play the scale game. High School saw me in a special program for overweight teens (again nothing driven by a Doctor). This was handled by school Admins and coaches. The program was a couple of girls and about half dozen boys. Complete with weigh-ins. That’s the first time I heard, “you have such a pretty face, if only you would lose weight”. I did not think I was so bad. Kinda built like a “brick house”, if you remember the disco era.
I had my share of boyfriends and managed to float between the Nerd/Ugly cliché and the pretty/money cliché. I was not asked to any proms. I made some not so wonderful choices as a teen. I found acceptance and love in the form of promiscuous sex. I was blessed to not get sick nor pregnant. I was mainly drug free, I did try a couple of things, but I don’t like the sense of being out of control. There was no comfort for me at home, no understanding. There was just expectation. Expectation of grades, looks and chores. I learned to use food to sooth and medicate myself. I learned how to sneak food. I ate things that I did not like, just to stuff something in my mouth. I left home for the last time on May 12, 1978. I have been on my own ever since …..
that’s enough for now ..
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2nd Apr 2008
I am not known for my patience. Rather I am extremely impatient! I have rolled around the thought of bypass surgery for a while. I never took it passed thinking because I figured that I was not “sick” enough. So even though I have had problems with Sleep Apena, Gastro Reflux, borderline cholesterol, high triglycerides, and in 1996 my BMI was 59.9, after using the Phen Phen drugs my BMI was 35.2 and currently it’s 47.8. For my height, ”normal” is 107 - 135 lbs. Are you freaking kidding me? With my bone structure, I would be thrilled and screaming from roof tops if I managed to get to 150 lbs.
Anyway I am afraid that once I am done with this nutrition program tha the insurance company requires ( I have 5 more appointments to make until I am done), that I will not get the referral and not be approved for the surgery. Then what do I do? Give up? Since I was 12, I have been on and off diets, health programs and exercise programs. I have been called names, picked on, poked at and been accused of trying to kill myself with food. Even after the drugs, I still was 199 lbs. Which was the lowest I had been since I was in high school.
I am so afraid that this is another thing that will not work out in my favor. OMG, what am I going to do. I can totally understand why people gain weight during this time. The stress of wondering if the insurance company will see what I have done and authorize the procedure. What am I going to do???
My PA at the PCP office told, no problem! She will write up the documents and I will be good. The nutritionist said that the insurance compay is looking for weight loss or stablized weight during this program. But I wonder what is in that file they have. OMG, that file is an inch thick and I have only had 12 visits completed (3 scheduled and as I said 5 left to schedule). What is in that darn file? Who of us that have gained and carried this much weight have not had an emotional issue of two? I am much better than I was several years ago.
I think it would be easier to go through the whole process, if the insurance company said, “OK you are approved”, unless you do not complete the following program(s). That way you would know, OK here is the list of things I need to do and if I don’t than I will be disqualified.
I am just so scared that I will never be able to escape this prison…….
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