continued …

4th Apr 2008

I left home after an argument with my Dad. It was a silly thing, but I still remember it all. We were building a garden, and the pitch fork got bent. As I said it was silly. I was always told that if I did not like things there or was not happy, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Well I was head strong and dumb, so I packed and left (actually took my things out a little at a time so my parents did not know) Did I mention that I was DUMB ?? Went to school one morning and did not return.

I moved in with my boyfriend, 17 and quit school and working a dead end job pumping gas in a very seedy part of town. Did I tell I was DUMB? This was not one of my better choices. But to regret this choice would be to regret everything that happened after this. And I can not do that as you will see.

My parents found out where I was but I did not have contact with them for about 2.5 years. When I think about that now - I am shocked at the length of time. I was mini Mom to my boyfriend’s sister & brother, while his mother was out drinking and tramping around. His father worked out of town and did not really know about everything that happened there while he was gone. If he did, he chose to “not see” it. He was a nice man and always kind to me.

Now if I thought my life sucked before, I was about to see that things could and would be far worse. This boyfriend, Art turned out to be brutal, mean and just plain not nice. It was about 4 months later and I knew I had made a huge mistake. But I knew I could not go home (I KNEW, but I never asked - nor did I ever talk to my parents about the situation). Silly girl! I tried to leave, I was going to go to my grandmother’s in Syracuse. I left, walked out… he ran after me down the street crying and begged me not to go. He was sorry, it would never happen again. And of course I believed him, don’t we all want to believe “them”. Well he was good for a while and then slowly became more controlling. And I accepted it. He wasn’t handy (yet) but he was mentally abusive. Then he wanted to get married, I told him I did not love him - He said “you will learn to love me”. Well let’s just say - UM - NO. Well that’s not entirely true. I did love him in a fashion, like a little brother. During these times my weigh was pretty level. I worked 12 -16 hour days for cash (paid every night) and we bought food on the way home every night. We really were raising the other kids. His mother seriously drank the money up. We also walked everywhere, since we did not have a car, nor a DL.
Well then I got pregnant. He was thrilled, I was scared. So of course I decided to get married, isn’t that what I had to do, after all. The weight started to come on. I wasn’t too worried, you know eating for two.

We got married 8/23/1980, my son was born 2/19/81 on a dark and raining morning. He was beautiful!
I never lost the baby weight, actually I still have it here somewhere. Yeah, that’s it on my butt.

later -